High School and Thoughts

I hated high school. My first two years of HEL, I was slowly adapting to being alone and fighting what I call the "two-world phenomenon" (*see below). All those close to me went to another school and I chose the hard road - to go to the school I was zoned for because they had a good engineering program. Sadly, I later realized I no longer wanted to be an engineer. One of the only highlights was that I started performing skits with my friends from middle school. That eventually wound down before we broke up the skit group. I'm still friends with them, but we're no longer close in any way aside from our interests remaining the same.

The other highlight is that I started going out with my boyfriend, who slowly grew to be my best friend over the 3 years we've been together. I love him so much and I truly don't know what I'd do without him. I talk to him about pretty much everything and he knows me like no one else. I sometimes long for a female companion to rant to (the girl I'm closest to doesn't actually talk much, she's more of a loner), but I dunno. I'm hoping college will give me the fruit of friendship, but if the TWP happens, I won't get that.

Sadly, high school relationships...They don't tend to last. And that's why I want a female companion. In the end, my relationship will fall apart, just like my middle school ones. Distance makes the heart grow fonder only if it's for short periods of time. Years make it impossible. You change. They change. If I continue going out with him, I'll...end up going through the TWP and introvert yet again. If I break up with him...I loose my best friend, closest confident, lover. The other option that he refuses to consider is to make our relationship permanent, but I agree that since we're both just starting out in life, getting married would be foolish. It's so sad that high school relationships aren't real.

The 3 years I've known him doesn't count like in the "real world". In the real world, we would have most likely celebrated our first anniversary as a married couple. Here...I dunno. I'm not in, by no means whatsoever, a hurry to get married, but I dunno. It's hard to think about how if I had met him in college instead of high school...I've been with this guy for a long time, 3 years and a month on the 27th of June. We learned how to kiss together. We lost our V together. Together our awkwardness in the act of lovemaking faded. We experimented. We grew from lust to love. Yet...none of the time I spent with him counts. It's unfair. I love him so much, yet...I don't know if I could ever even consider going through it with another. It was fun, but...I don't know. I thought I was bi-sexual before I met him - probably still am. He's got a feminine personality and he found his masculinity (what little he has) with me. I have always despised being female, yet he always made me feel good about it. I got into cute skirts and adorable blouses with him. He changed me. I changed him. Together our adorkableness faded into what mild confidence we have now. Any male I met in the future would have to be okay by my occasionally rough and harsh and bitchy personality. He knows and forgives me for it (especially when it's not entirely my fault due to stupid chemicals in my brain). He loves me for me. Could any other guy do that same? Could any other guy be as unselfish as him? In my opinion, I treat him awful in comparison to how he treats me, though he says different.

But, in the end, for my own selfishness and mental act of protection, I want to break up with him. He's my world. And I want to end it. Not because I don't love him. Not because I don't need him desperately at times. Not because I don't want him. But because I'm scared of going through THAT again.

HE chose to go to another school after all but lying to me, getting my hopes up for something he didn't actually want to do. He got accepted with honors at the college I'm going to. He chose to go to the local community college in order to "be cheaper on his parents" which he originally said wasn't a factor and because he needed to "find himself". To this day, 4 months later, I still say it was because he didn't have the balls to move out and be on his own, but he says different and I have to respect that what he thinks. He's a social person. He makes friends very easy and he'll have plenty of friends at the community college because a bunch went to our high school. I'll be virtually alone again. I'll have to fight TWP. I'll have to struggle to make friends when my father said I can't live on campus. I'll have to struggle with the stupid program they made for those they didn't have the heart to reject, but didn't think they could fully accept. And god FORBID I cry over this. Because it was his decision and it's over and done and there's nothing I can do to change it. Because crying over it now makes it harder for him to deal with it and then he'll start crying too.

He does it a lot. I feel bad, but what can you say when your male lover cries more than you? I started that. He bottled his feelings like any other male and I started it because I felt he should be able to cry about a friend of his dying. Guys CAN cry too. I just...I can't take it when it's nearly once a week that he does it...I probably cry about once or twice a month, particularly due to certain chemicals that make me angry and bitchy too.

I do love him. I do accept him. It's just frustrating. Especially now that because of this decision, I get barely any time with him. He comes over and spends the time either sleeping, fucking or doing homework. No super cuddle time, no real gaming, or talking. And then he goes home and either games or does MORE homework. He said that he was taking 5 (I think) college classes over the summer. He plans to have his associates in a year. I laugh at the "finding himself" excuse. If only life were like a Disney movie or a novel.

I'm sorry, blogger. I didn't mean to pour this out, but it's gotta go somewhere and I can't talk to my best friend about it.



*("Two-world Phenomenon" - Those you care most about go somewhere else. You try desperately not to grow apart, yet it IS inevitable. You don't realize that, so you don't focus on the new people you see every day. You make plans with said friends as often as possible, leaving no room for the new people. You exist in two places, but will not truly be a part of either. In the new place, you are seen as an introvert. In the old, you are the one who left, who no longer gets the inside jokes. It is the worst place to be and to those who try, only heartbreak is around you.)