Angsty Post

I hate that feeling when you get really excited or angry or annoyed - enough so, that you rant about it. A really long, tiresome rant. And then you realize no one actually cares.

I dunno, maybe I should get better interests. Maybe I should realize that I'm not funny or interesting. Maybe I should just open my eyes and realize that no one gives a shit about what I think. Maybe I should realize that I'm no leader and I'm a poor follower.

I don't actually like attention all that much. College worsened my stage fright for whatever reason. I'm awkward around people I'm not close to. Heck, I'm even awkward with family I'm not close to. I'm that shy person that talks about nothing just to feel less awkward.

I just...I want to help people. I enjoy teaching people or sharing my experiences in order to help them out. I tell people I know what I want to do, even though I have no idea whatsoever. State Department seemed like an awesome option, but the UN seems even more so. I have don't have the skills for either career. I've thought about setting up my own business, but I'm not creative or innovative enough to come up with something on my own. My only true talent is spouting back what was spit at me and remembering details. That alone eliminates most high-paying jobs and leaves me with secretary work.

Maybe majoring in Japanese wasn't a good idea - I knew it wouldn't be, deep down. In terms of employment, people who knew Japanese and had some other degree would be so much more appealing. I think I would like geography or some other social science, but I don't have the time or money to change my major.

I turned 20 yesterday. And all I could think about was how much of a waste my life has been. What have I accomplished? Absolutely nothing. No one cares about how good you did in high school. Businesses only care about your college performance and mine hasn't been anything spectacular. I have a 3.2 GPA, but that's hardly something to be excited over. I have no genuine skills - I can't sew well, I'm a terrible cook, I only have basic skills with computers.

I wanted more from life. When I looked at myself years ago, I aspired to be a scientist or an engineer. I went to college and realized neither was possible.

Maybe...maybe I just want to be remembered.